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Growing up in the age where boybands ruled the earth, I think it’s fair to say that I am largely desensitised to their overly coiffed hair, inoffensive good looks, eager to please faux sincerity and harmlessly placid pseudo sexuality (as always The Simpsons has produced the perfect visual cue to demonstrate my point:)
I did after all progress towards adolescence surrounded by images of young men who possessed a demeanour of such unabashed and unassailable pep that they seemed to exude a mixture of glitter, hair product and CK One for men from their very pores.
Of course N*Sync skilfully managed to make this analogy an eye searing reality.
Yet, I find I approach the subject of Korean and Japanese boybands with such awed trepidation that I cannot help but resort to the type of attitudes usually exhibited by a middle aged world weary father who just wants to spend all day on the golf course but instead has to spend time entertaining his young daughters who not only alienate with the ever mystifying fruitions of societally influenced femininity, but now also manage to isolate with the erratically souring trajectory of their hormones and the manic infatuations these biological cataclysms impose upon previously logical human creatures. I just don’t understand. Am I repulsed? Am I intrigued? Am I....aroused?
I’m not one for imprisoning people within gender stereotypes, but it’s pretty hard to feign the stereotypically brutish hyper masculinity reserved for lumberjackin’, beer chuggin’, big sweatin’ MEN!! when you’re wearing ensembles so clearly inspired by Liberace and more make up than I will wear in a lifetime. Sensibly, most of the bands attempt to avoid this, thus giving them the appearance of possessing some semblance of self awareness.
Thus, we segue smoothly into a band that sadly does not seem to fathom this delicate balance between machismo that is somewhat warranted and machismo that is fantastically laughable. Big Bang (whose name ironically refers to the period in time all those years ago when Justin Timberlake exploded into solo popularity and thus formed, with fragments of his supposed talent and sex appeal, 5 inferiorly talented questionably attractive Korean equivalents) are a strange bunch.
A real example of style completely eclipsing substance, their songs serve as continual onslaughts of reliable blandness with each outdated RnB infused offering more inanely mind numbing than the last. They meticulously imitate their American counterparts, thus the only shocking thing about them is their brazen unoriginality...and because of this grossly offensive awfulness they rotate and become MIND BLOWINGLY AMAZING. So terrible, so inadvertently camp, so earnest in their attempts to appear well...bad ass that they stray into unintentional comedy gold. They deviate between embarrassing estimations of what constitutes middle class white boy gangsta:
And their recent nu-rave, Indie kid fusion:
To me they are:
 
The horrendously malformed inexplicably popular G-Dragon (also known as ‘The Visual Abomination’) whose name is so ridiculous that I shall divulge it and whose countenance is so naturally infuriating that the desire to throw flammable liquids at it every time the eerily pubescent troll face traverses my screen flares within me. Recently released from rehab due to eyeliner abuse, recently relapsed, but has yet to agree to return. This is actually an intervention...G-Dragon I don’t really care, but if we lose you I’ll have to start making fun of Daesung and he seems far too innocuously nice to be able to handle my withering bon mots. Speaking of....
 
The ugly fat one who is actually the only one with marginal talent. Shame that.
 
Abs...Abs...ummm...The disappointingly frequently clothed Taeyang whose face is the culinary equivalent of topping caviar with ketchup or fashion equivalent of wearing a Chanel suit with a pair of Crocs...what I’m trying say is, the boy sure is plain when he’s wearin-
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
 
The one with the charismatic eyebrows who I would tap so hard they’d call me Fred Astaire WHICH I HAVE NEVER SAID BEFORE, REPEAT: NEVER. I have it on good authority that he turns lesbians hetero. TAKE THAT BIBLE CAMP!
 
The forgettable one who is so forgettable that he forgets who he is some days, this theory is cemented by the fact that he always seems to point at the camera, as if confused by the reflection he sees in there.
Now that the uninitiated know both how to identify the members (hideousness, fatness, abs, eyebrows and...something else that I appear to be forgetting) and, more importantly, how far I would advance with them sexually (NEVER!,.. no but then he’d probably start crying and I’d have to, A HUNDRED TIMES YES, IF THERE IS A GOD IN THE SKY THEN ONE DAY YES and yes, but I’d probably forget we were sexing midway through respectively), we can progress to their latest aural offering:
The song is irritatingly catchy and an abortion of good taste and the video involves mainly revolves around them sitting in a singular swivel computer chair on the set of Timberlake’s Rock Your Body video, but I’ll be damned if I’m not aroused.
Things I noticed:
Taeyang wearing an interesting choice of t-shirt.
The depressing lack of T.O.P which I felt deeply in my erogenous zones.
.....words really evade me when I am confronted with something that is as simultaneously sad as a box of abandoned puppies and disturbing as a box full of dismembered gangrenous limbs.
Lastly, the greatest gift I’ve ever received (I just realised you added a rainbow into it, thus proving that you could not get any gayer):
Pop quiz next week so revise this weekend, guys.
p.s. Yes, I am deeply ashamed both for secretly liking Big Bang, although it's not my fault because someone exposed me to them and for unleashing this like...not love...onto the internet at 21 years of age.
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